insane!!!

Ladies and gentlemen I am bored. I have got absolutely nothing to do . and I am undergoing the I-am –suddenly-good –for-nothing syndrome. I am stuck at home with nothing other than my comp, my kitten, loadsa gud food, a comfortable bean bag and a P G Wodehouse for company. The fact that I am a peace loving animal who gets homesick every other day prompted me not to opt for a project. Don’t you ever mention iit roorkee to me. but now I am in a fix. Every single dude I know is doing a project/ training. It somehow doesn’t make sense to me go do something just to put it on my resume because I know I am a technically challenged person naah technically impaired would be a better word. I somehow don’t like the fact that I am doing engineering. I can’t find any emotions or beauty in any of the subjects I learn. Btw I am one of the most emotional persons you can ever find. This is supposed to imply that I cry after every other movie, that a good book can sent me into spells of silence for real long time, that I can’t put up with heart string tugging events in a relationship. I wish I had taken up journalism or even law. So much of emotions. So many stories that deserve the light. That reminds me I was ever hardly ever good at anything. Smiling and goofing around in school made sure that teachers never said a bad word about you during the parent teacher meetings. So all my life my parents believed I was a good kid. And I believed it too. With less of efforts and more of luck I managed to get into NITW. I still wonder why I am there. Juniors, neighbours look up to you with sense of awe when they hear NITW. I don’t get it. Someone more deserving should have been there. Getting back to parents, being the eldest in the family my parents tell my sis “look at azeera and learn. She did us proud”. Ya so my parents like everybody else expects me to get a great job. Settle down and have two kids probably. Can’t blame them for it. Ya I need a nice paying job and ask them to retire and chumma sit at home. How long will they keep slogging so that you can go have shawarmas every other day. Sometimes I just want to rip the world apart and do something different. To change things that makes the world so cruel. My sis who loves animals puts it right, “ the world would have been so good if the cats and dogs roamed around like humans at least they don’t kill each other chumma.” I don’t get it either why should people kill each other just because they got two roads to reach god. Why two ppl who love each other shouldn’t marry just because they are from a different religion, forget religion even different sub castes why should people to starve to death when I get to eat shawarmas every other day? . Sometimes you wonder is god blind. Why does he let so much of hungama happen in his name? but then WHAT is the difference I want to bring about is million dollar question. The word difference kills me too. Every tom dick and harry talks about making one. How many of us actually bother to bring it about.
I would love to quit it all and do a course on journalism and write what I please. But then pragmatism stops me. the world would call me nuts. My parents wouldn’t be so proud. My juniors wouldn’t look up anymore. But then what is this life if you live for what others think and not what you do. I still don’t know why I am writing this. I had a level headed conversation with mom the other day. She had an alternative option for journalism and emotions and people’s stories. Civil Services. She is right. But the question is do I have it in me to work so hard. I still don’t know where I am headed.. I always went where life took me, I dream big but never put in that extra effort to change the course. Silicon jungle, the movie, puts it beautifully “pakiya is born. Pakiya did well in school. Pakiya got into IIT. Pakiya got a management job. Pakiya earned. Pakiya spent. Pakiya died.” But azeera my dear, wants to be different naah take the offbeat road

PS: This post is not for anybody to read. My blog. My frustration .My space. I write what I please.